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| Sunday, February 25, 2007 |
"Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?"
- Kat Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You
I like that quote.
| Wednesday, February 14, 2007 |
A year ago, this day was very precious to me, certainly one of my highlights. Now, it simply.. hurts. (Not to mention-- my whole body aches coz of the Foundation Day preparation.. Oh and my head hurts too.) *sigh* Things are really bad lately. Damn.
Unbreak my heart
Say you love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
Labels: event(s), love, melancholy, reminiscing the past, thoughts
| Saturday, February 10, 2007 |
School:
School days were not as great as last sem's. I'm not sure, but I think it's coz of the schedule.. or maybe the subjects.. or the teachers. Plane and Spherical Trigo definitely doesn't give me smiles. It's not just the subject itself (though that maybe be the main reason). It's the last class on MW(not F coz we don't have classes during Fridays) and it's after a vacant period. ReEd's 4:00pm-5:00pm, then the vacant period 5:00pm-6:00pm.. Really not much of a good line-up coz all of my classes start at 1:00pm.. So you could very well imagine the anxiety for a vacant period. Anyway, back to Trigo.. The class lasts for an hour and a half to make up for Fridays. Yeah it's reasonable enough since we need 3 hrs on each subject a week but dude.. isang oras na nga ng Trigo dati ayaw ko na.. Hindi pa un Plane and Spherical.. I really miss Algebra and Dean Giron's class. We couldn't guarantee we'll pass in this class. x_x
Okay, here's a good news: a few weeks ago (Jan. 26) I found out I qualified for the Dean's List! I ranked surprisingly in first place with an average of 91.13 (Yeah, I know it's not that high.. but..); my hard work and patience paid off last sem. *sigh* Ureshii desu. =) I'll ask next week if I could refund some of my tuition (since I heard it'll be discounted). It would seem kinda like earning my first salary or something. ^^'
The bad news behind that good news: I worry about my grades on this sem's subjects. The fact that we're taking damn Trigo bothers me already. I just hope I'll get at least higher than 83. Heck, I'll even take 83.. (But that would still take a huge toll on my average darn it!) Basta di bababa pa dun (83) kung di talsik ako sa DL. I really need the discount. We're a bit low on budget at the mo..
Books:
I'm currently reading Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. I read this when I was a high school freshman coz of my English teacher. She made us read a lot of short stories and other literature too. I missed those days.. Especially when we had to do an Act for Romeo And Juliet. (I chose to do Juliet's suicide btw.) It was fun memorizing lines like that.
So yeah.. I took out my old notes on this book. The important ones include a table of symbolism and quotations from the book. Our task then was to write its relevance/meaning. I noticed my handwriting looked.. really different from my current one. I always find it amusing to into the past and see how I've changed a lot. =D
You wanna know what's surprising though? My friends recently seem to take interest on reading books. They actually borrowed some of mine. Maybe they got excited when they saw my bookshelve. They only wanna read the mild horror types though.. (Like Bloody Mary and Goosebumps.) Yeah, it's typical. I mean, many Pinoys are interested in scaring themselves through watching Nginig or other shows (I'm not familiar with the titles coz I don't watch them. I prefer to read. The actors weren't as enjoyable to watch, I'm afraind. Ooh mind the pun.) on the afternoon.
Nonetheless, they're still reading and it's a good thing. Who knows.. maybe they'll digest heavier books later on?
Health:
I swear there's something wrong with my metabolism. I made a strict diet plan the moment January kicked in. I still remember I told myself, "Time for a change. Must lead a healthy lifestyle."
I made a list of food I must have in a day. It includes the vitamin C that I need, multiple vitamin(s), the carbohydrates, and even milk. I also told myself I must sleep earlier than midnight if I could help it. With all that, I even scheduled exercise in my brilliant diet plan.
All was going well until after our educational trip. See, I got the flu. The fever made my energy go low and worry kicked in. This is what pisses me off big time.. When I'm slowly regaining my ideal weight then suddenly there would be an outside force to restrict me. Why must this happen?
The next week, nag-midterm na kami. After that, my body was never the same. I would always feel restless even though I get more sleep. Headaches occur frequently like never before. I become more pissed when I found out that I lost so much weight. I stared in horror when I consulted the weighing scale at my grandma's. (I refuse to put here my exact weight for it is really embarassing.)
I absolutely don't get it. I mean, what must I do to gain weight when once in a while I'm on the verge of being there then lose it again! It freakin' pisses me off! *deep breaths* It's not right. Something's really wrong with me. People noticed that I'm paler than usual. (As if that's even possible.) They kept telling me I needed to take supplements so I reply as calmly as I could that-- ".. I take vitamins. I really do."
Isn't that odd? I take vitamins and each (too) much carbohydrates just to at least get my energetic self back and here I am, feeling tired as ever.
I refuse to go to the hospital to have a blood test. I still loathe needles and I don't know when we'll ever be friends. (Maybe if I become a masochist one day.) But now.. hmm.. I don't know. I mean, I've been thinking.. Maybe I must muster enough courage for a check-up. I'm really worried about myself. I know I grew up looking skinny than the next kid, but I'm thoroughly energetic despite all that.. And now, even that's gone.
Maybe I will go visit the hospital. Maybe next month.
By the way, we have phone line now. It's Globe. My ears are available, guys. Give me a ring, will you? =)
Labels: book(s), currents, health, school
| Thursday, February 08, 2007 |
I was at school and the first subject went on just fine. Thankfully we didn't have a prof. on the next.. so I wasn't feeling fine.
I was overcame with emotions. I've felt alone again, almost as I did five years ago. But that time I didn't hide myself in one of the bathroom stalls just to cry my eyes out.
Why did it have to happen?
What is wrong with me?
Two days ago, I've had this disturbing dream. I was strucked by a needle. There was this girl will long dark hair and a guy. I was "fighting" them and I "won" against the guy first. The girl came up to me, begging to be spared. The moment I forgave her, she poisoned me.
The pain circulated in my whole body. At first it hurts so much. As I was in constant pain, I called for my friends to have this "meeting". (It was supposedly my goodbye to them.) I keep breaking into sobs, crying my eyes out. I really felt as if my time was getting near.
Someone said I only have 15 hours to live.. and so I panicked.
Chamie looked so sad when I told her "I had to go". She asked me to stay but I said, "I want to be with Mother the hour before I die."
It was really that serious.
And then there was this hanging bridge. I was following a guy. I could barely see the path. I nearly fell out of balance, clutching the ropes thinking my life depended on it. It all felt so real.
I woke up, still thinking I only have a few hours to live and that I had to make the most of it.
Strange, ne?
When I had the chance, I consulted Mrs. Barron (today), our department head. She's a professor in psychology. She's good with intepreting dreams. She told me what my dream meant: I am succumbed with a certain depression and that I feel that I am literally slowly dying. She said I shouldn't be afraid to open up to my friends for they are there behind me.
As she said these words, I feel like I couldn't breathe. It was all right. My mind and body was really "disturbed" and exhausted. My confidence was targeted and I started to question my own happiness. I wanted to cry right there on the spot but my mind says, "Don't." I wouldn't want my fellow upperclassmen to see me in my vunerable state.
After I went out of the Psy Lab, my knees almost gave in. I was in the moment of being engulfed of mixed emotions: anxiety, mental exhaustion, depression, self-pity, frustration, loneliness, ect.
It was between 2:40pm - 3:45pm that I was at the brink of losing my happy facade. I guess there exists that time when you couldn't hold back what you feel anymore, when you whole body wants to break out from all the anxiety and frustration.
I've been used to wearing a mask during my (early) senior year in high school. It was more of a necessity than a favor.. to myself and other people. I would always laugh, sometimes boisterously, with my classmates, entertaining jokes and random comments. I tell people that nothing's wrong with me, all the while I couldn't look directly to their inquisitive faces, afraid their eyes would see right through me. When at times I would stay quiet, my mind wanders to the moments of emotional depression that didn't seem to leave, as I know it would be hard to surmount at the time. My heart cries out for help but my mind kept telling me it's right to keep it to myself. It was not pride that's taken over me. Really, I assure you. It's not that for there were countless times when I would bare my sadness to significant people, to get comfort when I know I couldn't take it anymore.
Like what happened today. But the difference was.. there was no one there for me.
Yes, I needed company.
Yes, I know you would think I was stupid not to convey of my feelings to a friend, that I could if I really wanted to.. But I guess I'm simply fed up doing that.. Not that I always do that. It was just sometimes I'd like to keep it to myself because I don't want them to worry over me. Add to the fact that they would also be fed up if I constantly bring up about my inner views of self-confidence and love life - two of which I constantly lack. It's just that I feel I'm not so worthy as a person anymore, you know?
Yeah, you can call me stupid.
I mean, there's really nothing to suggest or comment about. It will be like a tape recorder, playing and rewinding and playing it again for my stubborn brain cells to comprehend. I do understand my situation. I know I have to forget and accept. Perhaps during all this time, I have accepted it and maybe problem is.. I'm plain sad and lonely.
And then again, maybe not.
I wanted to reach out to that person I love. I miss what was once to be a happy, care-free life. I want to bring back that feeling of security, confidence, sincerity.. But reality states that all of which I mentioned was gone. It was locked in the box of memories, free to reminisce but hopeless to go back again.
Do I really find it hopeless?
I don't know.
What I know is.. I'm really broken.
Why is it that after a few weeks of being "happy", my subsconcious kicked in. Perhaps I still have that pain within me. I just didn't think much of it lately.. and so everything came flushing in and I was bitten to remember.
It's really hard.. when you pretend to be happy.. all the while hoping that those feign expressions would soon evolve to reality.
But don't get me wrong. I meant this in the general way (of mixed emotions), not just being felt unloved. Arrgh that sounds lame dammit.. (coz technically I'm not unloved.. No one is..)
Damn drama.
-:-:-:-
the next day:
look what i found: check out these images from a site that i forgot:
Labels: currents, dream(s), melancholy
at the upper right corner of your window.
![The Wallflower [Yamato Nadeshikop Shichihenge]](http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j118/Ami_Chi14/thewallflowerfan.jpg)
![Goong!: [Crown Prince] Lee Shin & [Crown Princess] Shin Chae Gyeong](http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j118/Ami_Chi14/chaegyeongxshinfan.jpg)
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