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| Saturday, September 01, 2007 |
[the script from the subtitle]
young Gaara: *tries to stab his hand with a knife but the sand protects him* It's no use... the sand interferes.
Yashamaru: *enters the room* Gaara-sama.
young Gaara: Yashamaru.
Yashamaru: I was ordered by Kazekage-sama to be your caretaker. I am to keep an eye on your health and protect you. Please don't do such a thing in front of me. But then again the sand will protect you.
Yashamaru: Yashamaru, I'm sorry. (pertaining to the wounds made by the sand when Y stopped the attack)
The worst feelings a person can experience are:
*being unloved
*feeling useless
*being unacknowledged
*loneliness
Turn your sadness into kindness
Your uniqueness into strength
It's OK to get lost in the process, so start walking
Once again
Do you like to be praised by
Answering to people's expectations?
Do you always have a wonderful smile
Even if you must sacrifice what you really want to do?
I wake up after seeing only the beginning of my dream
But I will grasp what happens after that with my hands
Yes, the most important things
Are always the ones with no form
Even if you obtain it or lose it
You do not notice
So turn you sadness into kindness
Turn your uniqueness into strength
It's OK to get lost in the process, so start walking
Once again
~Kanashimi Wo Yasashisa Ni; Little By Little(Naruto 3rd op)
Labels: anime, list, melancholy, script, song(s), thoughts
| Saturday, August 25, 2007 |
I am lonely.
Labels: love, melancholy, thoughts
| Friday, August 17, 2007 |
I've watched Death Note since I got my birthday gift from Kuya Norman and have been more addicted to it since then. (I was addicted to it even before I watched it. Really, I was so excited that I already researched a lot about it and I kept thinking about it and I couldn't sleep at night.. and and-) I loved the plot and the characters so much since the concepts are deep and interesting. I like manga~s/anime~s like that. Those types are the ones I'm looking for. I'd recommend it to everybody but the fact that it's R18 kinda diminishes my noble intention. (It's R18 because of the concepts within the plot. i.e. death, morality, judgment, etc. I'll explain later.) Fortunately since I am now 19 and my peers are around my age, I still could. But I'm not here right not to plug about Death Note.. or at least not yet. =)
I'm here to give my very first manga/anime review blog entry! I know, I know. I said before that Yu Yu Hakusho would be the first I'd review about since it's my all-time top-of-the-list favorite ever.. but since it never happened (mostly due to schoolwork which led to- "Oh gosh,I forgot about it! Again!" routine) and right now I'm fangirl~ing Death Note, it seemed to be a good opportunity to do this first. I mean, it's not like I won't do one for YYH later. Rest assured, I will. Same goes for Fruits Basket and Trigun coz they're also such great works.
I'll post my review later when I'm done with it. Pray that the above mentioned routine won't happen again. Ta-ta for now people.
Labels: anime, artwork, manga, thoughts
| Wednesday, August 08, 2007 |
Such a beautiful song.
Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined
And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on
So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart
I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong? [apparently none]
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's here, it isn't here where you belong
But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart
Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart
~Illegal; Shakira
Labels: friend(s), song(s), thoughts
| Monday, August 06, 2007 |
Nothing much happened on this day though (other than Death Note! and cake!), I must say I was oddly cheerful. It was odd because the previous days I was sad and moody.. basically in a unenthusiastic state. But came this day and viola! Dunno what happened. Maybe I was feeling the "It's A Single Day In A Year To Feel Special So Might As Well Do" mood. *shrugs* So now I'm here typing [081607], wanting to give my shout-outs to those who greeted me in various ways.
I give my thanks to...
God, for still letting me live this long with guidance and blessings.
my mother, for bringing me to this world (she tries so hard to keep me alive-- if you know what I mean) and being so great beyond words.
my friends.. those who are thoughtful enough to greet me.. (really, just a simple greeting makes me so happy)
sis Chamie, for being the first one to greet me via text on my birthday (it was a little past midnight) and spending time with me that night
Drix, like what sis Chamie did.
Marie, for surprising me via call! So nice to keep in touch with you.
Kuya Norman, for finally giving me the Death Note dvd. (L-samaaa!)
Charmie, Gerome, Kuya Raylord, Maan and Raymond, for greeting me via text.
Bona, for greeting me 3 times via text! Hehe..
Sir Janabajab, Kuya Raylord, Yong, and Gerome for greeting me via friendster message.
Bebey, Cyrl, Sarah, and Jareer for greeting me via friendster comments.
Jareer, for greeting me via phone call.
Marie, Jaja, Teth, and Diane, for greeting me via friendster comments days too early!
Ate Peny, Wella, Ate Joan, Tania, Jenny, and Wowie, for the verbal greetings.
my Lia2Psy friends (namely May, Ellen, Kuya Norman, Ate Jonah, Ate Sheryl, Jaja and Gladys), for spending the afternoon with me.
Ronald, Rey, Andrew, Gladys and Jeffy, for the late greetings (kahit medyo tampo ako, for me, greetings are greetings no matter how late they are.. Hindi ako ganoong maarte noh).
Tita~s, cousin, and their family, for their greetings via cards.
What I have learned:
Sooner or later you'll know who your true friends are and how important you are to them.
It doesn't matter if they're not thoughtful... Coz if you're really THAT important, they'll remember days before.
It's not an excuse to say that there'd be no contact, they could ask someone else to greet or at least find a way possible enough.
Lastly, it doesn't matter if they couldn't greet on the exact date, they can always apologize and greet later.
Labels: currents, event(s), family, food, friend(s), thoughts
| Tuesday, July 10, 2007 |
Life Is Like A Boat reminds me more of Gokusen than Bleach. Odd haha... I really like this song:
Nobody knows who I really am(?)
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong?
We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on coming and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day
dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake
inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made
Nobody knows who I really am(?)
Maybe they just don't give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along
I know you would follow me and keep me strong(?)
hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku
And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars and soon
I can see the shore
Oh, I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?
I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along,
I will follow you and keep you strong
tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu
inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu
asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made
And every time I see your face
The ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars and soon
I can see the shore
Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne
~Life Is Like A Boat; Rie Fu (Bleach op)
Labels: anime, song(s), thoughts
| Monday, June 04, 2007 |
I was so surprised to find out that my camera's working! Sis Chamie offered to recharge the battery through her Nokia mobile, since it fits perfectly, and voila! It recharged and it actually worked! I thought my camera's broken or something coz I thought there's still some charge left on the battery. As it turned out, there's none left and so I couldn't use it. (duh) It's been sooo long since I cam-whored and so.. I did it today! XD
Oh yeah.. and I realized that I didn't get to do all the plans (I have posted here) for this summer:
* learn how to cook simple dishes (I was preoccupied with just eating haha
* learn how to drive (sa Sem break na lang kasi di natuloy eh)
* learn how to ride a bike (I did this.. for only a day.. I forgot about it after that hehe)
* fatten up (ugh.. I've been trying all my life.. maybe I did gain some weight at the beginning but I got sick, remember? sick, insomniac, and other stuff.. damn)
* go somewhere far (well, I did went to DFA.. I've never been there before)
* visit colleges (maybe next vacation hehe)
Labels: currents, thoughts, with pics
| Sunday, May 20, 2007 |
I finished watching Gokusen1 J-dorama a few days ago. [marathon!] It's funny how the serious moments really got to me. Yes, I did cry on some occasions. XD I was struck by Yankumi's strong dedication and her principles. You rarely get to meet teachers like her nowadays. Perhaps that's what the manga/anime/jdrama wants us to realize.. that teachers are people to look up to (the ones that deserve to be called one) even though sometimes they may seem like a pain.. that our parents love us and are proud of us no matter what we do.. that friends must stick together through hard times and the good.. that trust can go a along way, even with delinquents.. that it's our decision which makes us who we are (not our bloodline.. hey, sounds Dumbledore-ish).. and that fights are quite honorable in some angle.
Labels: thoughts, tv series, with pics
| Thursday, May 03, 2007 |
It's been approximately three days since I had the cold/flu. It's kinda funny how I was half-expecting that I would wind up sick this week or the next. I had that thought two weeks before. It was some kind of a 'test-thought'. Since it's been so hot lately and my room usually resembles a sauna in mid-morning and early afternoon, you could very well imagine how I would look and what I would crave. (sweating = wanting to refresh = air condition/electric fan = sweat will disappear temporarily = allergy attack/cold/pneumonia after continuous cycle)
I hate sweating. Sweat is good if you're doing sports or working out. It would mean your body's reacting from strenuous activities and the like. Sweat is good when you're in a sauna. It would mean you're body's reacting to releasing your toxins and et cetera. But sweating just because you changed your sleeping position is something on a whole different level of making me pissed. I mean, how would you feel if you'd want to sleep but then you're soaking in your own bed and the electric fan is producing hot air?
I would blame the smoke from siga and various bad gases some sprays produce. Don't people know it affect our ozone layer? Would they want their summer days to mean skin diseases and don't-you-dare-go-outside-and-expose-yourself-to-the-sun vacation? (UV rays!) It would totally ruin summer vacation! As a matter of fact, days ago I remember myself muttering about how I dislike summer now, despite the word 'vacation' after it, just because it's waaay hotter than usual and that my 'friends' still haven't decided on an outing spot!
For crying out loud, don't you guys wanna get together before the grueling 2nd year of college learning begins?
Anyway, back to me and my health condition. So I was thinking, 'I wonder how long until I come down with something?' And after almost two weeks, here we go! I finally came down with a cold. Who'd thought it would take me more than ten days for this! My resistance sure went up compared to when I was little. That makes me happy. =)
But happiness stopped there. x_x For three days now, my throat hurts and itches, my eyes are watery and sometimes itchy, my ears are 'popping', and I constantly cough and sniffle. Of course it's worse than my usual allergy attacks. Yesterday I slept around 3am just coz I drank 3 mugs of coffee (to soothe my throat), skipped dinner, and read a bunch of fanfictions. After sleeping for about two hours, I woke up past 5am, feeling more terrible. As the coughing and sneezing ensues, I stayed awake for a few hours and then drifted off to sleep again.
I woke up around lunch time and ate lugaw with some non-flavored Skyflakes. I also took my medicine then I read a bit of my old books and slept again. (See how the cycle goes?) I woke up in the afternoon, went downstairs and watched Bleach and Hana Yori Dango Jdrama.
Side note: It seems that the Japanese version portrayed Tsukasa and Rui's friendship tighter (than expected) than in the Meteor Garden series. I actually teared-up watching Tsukasa bid farewell to Rui. =O
Mental note: I knew I should've bought the HYD Jdrama dvd that day when I had the chance! Argh! Now I have to settle for dub on GMA. The voice acting is nice though; the two main characters' voices were played by my favorite Tagalog dubbers. What I'm worried about is.. Did GMA cut some scenes or not?
Back to my sickness.. So after that, I watched Gilmore Girls season 2 (for the fourth time I think) while non-stop eating lugaw, crackers and drinking chamomile tea. (I became very fond of lugaw.) When it got late, I went to my room, changed into my old sweater and checked emails and fanfictions. After a while, my throat started itching again so I gave in to making coffee. I drank coffee while reading then I felt sleepy and went to bed.
Ironic how sometimes coffee calms me. I makes me wanna get a coffeemaker. Damn, I should stop this coffee craze before I devote myself to it.. must resist..
*sigh* And now here I am, sniffling momentarily, hoping that I would never catch cold again (simply because I hate itchy throat, the coughing and the sneezing). Why did I expected this in the first place? I knew I would be getting it anyhow. =_= Nakakainis.. Ngayon pa namang gusto ko uminom ng coke kahit konti.. ung malamig.
One last thing, I've a question. Is the english of lugaw porridge? If not, what is it? Just curious.
Nga pla, special greetings: Happy bday to Tita Cruzie! Hehe.. I remembered. I greeted her last year so, I'm doing it again.. La lang.. I miss you na, pare.
Labels: currents, sick, thoughts, tv series
| Tuesday, April 17, 2007 |
First of all, I apologize for my previous entry. After a few days of having no internet connection, I kinda skimmed through it and yeah I know it does sound pathetic and depressive but I typed how I felt at the moment and hey, I can post whatever on my blog, right? *sigh* Don't worry guys, I'm kinda fine now. There's been no flood since so.. Heh.
(Though ya know what? If someone told me three years ago that I'll be that sad (in the future).. I'd probably just laugh about it. I mean, those melancholic entries are not like my usual self.. but recently it became my usual self.. and I miss being cheerful so.. I gotta break this lethal routine.)
Horrible news: I'm broke so there's no way I could get a new camera sooner or later this year since I'll have to save up for it. My mother disagreed with the whole installment thing the stores offer (okay, I do too) so that option's closed. Yeah, I can't cam-whore this year anymore. I'd just get some pics from my friends, whatever's available that include me on them.
Unless! Unless my grades will be great enough to get me into that scholarship.. That would be awesome. If ever.. I'll treat myself.
Oh yeah.. I'm officially insomiac and hating it. (No, I don't tend to think too much about certain stuff anymore.) I tried lots of remedies but to no avail.. My blame is on the hot weather.. it drives me nuts! Speaking of driving, I'll call Roadmaster later. I'll take driving lessons. Isn't that cool? =3 *Overdrive by Eraserheads plays in the background*
Peter, my computer, has a virus that makes a pop-up appear whenever I use Norton. I need a better anti-virus coz now it bugs me! My YM "broke" too so now I'll have to download again and maybe get another Chikka.
Btw, if I would get hamsters next month, there will be three instead of two. Three male hamsters. I have yet to give them future names. Feel free to suggest any cute ones. (I mean, you can't give a serious name for a hamster, right? That would just be odd, ne?)
One last thing: Would you consider taking up a course just coz you'd want to know more about a hobby of yours that won't necessary be something you'd make a career of in the future but will still make yourself proud just coz you'll be good at it and you'll like what you'll be doing? *sigh* I would love to take photography just coz I like taking pictures: candid, posed, and artsy ones.. preferably nature and architectures.. and maybe get offers from magazines.. or maybe I'll put my best pics on frames and hang it on my future house.. or like make postcards on some of them.. Okay, I'm babbling. I like pictures, I like movies, I like stories, I like art. I must decide a second course (in case I won't do masteral).. and take music lessons in the future. Damn, there's a lot I would want to be.
| Monday, April 09, 2007 |
warning: the following entry is angst.
I feel as if my future disappeared into a dark void. The words he spoke to me (via text) nearly shattered my senses. My chest became heavy with a realization.
He's really leaving.
I'm actually glad he told me. We don't even talk on text anymore. There was one time.. but he was too dry to strike whatever kind of conversation with me. There were times I'd like to text him para lang mangamusta but I do not want his reply to be from boredom or forced from respect.. or that he won't reply altogether. And so I waited na siya na lang ang mag-kusang mangamusta.. and he did.. last Good Friday. I'm glad he informed me. I'm glad he took the initiative to tell me. It might be nothing more than simple for him.. but for me, it's a lot to make me manage a smile and say, "At least we talked. Friendship is important to me too, if all else fails."
He's going to a place where he'll make his dream come true. He's going to a place millions of miles from where I am. The feeling of this is as if he's going to another planet where he won't be coming back anymore.
Though it's not really approved yet, I know he'll go after it. He's determined enough.
"Nothing is more painful than waiting for something that would never happen."
If I were given the power of decision, I wouldn't let him. As any human who would want to be at least a bit happy, I wouldn't let him. But then again, maybe I would have. Partially because I am not selfish and I do not intend to be as I do not want others to be selfish of me either. Partially because this is the reality that I have no say to stop him. Partially because I know it is hopeless to stop him. Partially because I know what is right. Partially because I do not want to stop him at all. I simply want to be with him but if that can't be then..
"You know I'd do anything to make you stay."
That's how much I love you.
And also because I love you (and I have no say in the matter since I know our situation), I would insist that you go. I would insist you to follow your dreams. I would insist no matter how much this takes the breath out of me. I would support you in any way I can.
He's really leaving.. and he's taking my heart with him without knowing.
I am really in a melancholic mood and whoever is reading this might criticize me for being.. I don't know.. maybe "overly dramatic".. but if you have experienced having a broken heart or being in this situation, I'm sure you've felt this way before.. You've thought like this before.. and so you could understand and refrain from frowning.
For two days I have not enough sleep. "When dreaming with a broken heart.. waking up is the hardest part." For two days I've been crying uncontrollably. Does it sound stupid? Does it sound stupid for a person to experience this type of insanity for someone she'd known for only less than three years? I know it sounds stupid, but there's a part in my heart that I know will always long for him. Even my subconcious tells me.
It's very rare for me to have two dreams in between a hour of being awake. (It is rare for me to fall asleep from being wide awake.) I slept probably around 2:30am and woke up around before 9am (as my alarm would ring). The whole time I dreamt about him. I vaguely remember what happened but I know that he was there. He's saying goodbye. He's leaving. In the dream I settled everything. I've told him my thoughts. I expressed how I feel. I know it would have been better if it was reality. That way I won't have too much trouble going through my courage to ask him if he and I could talk. In the past, he'd avoid me and the subject. I wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable around me but then again, he said he does feel that way. I don't want to force him. I just want him to listen attentively in his own will to hear what I want to say. To give me the chance without making me feel scared, nervous and uncomfortable.
I woke up and my chest felt heavy. It was a mixture of slight happiness and too much sorrow. Happy that for minutes I am with him in my dream (I know I was dreaming) and too much sorrow for knowing that there mightwould not be another chance that we will be together again.
The second dream was odd. The first dream was somewhat disregarded from this one. I was in a room with old-fashioned furnitures. I didn't really see them being old-fashioned. I felt them being that. The wooden cabinet I was facing before I heard a knock was proof enough. It's like I was at my grandmother's house but the room stated was my room.
A knock came and I forced myself to stand up and answer it. I felt so weak even in my dream. I was expecting to see Tita Cerna with a concerned expression in her face, asking me to eat a bit or plainly checking up on me (though I'm not suicidal.. yet maybe). Instead, I saw a guy. I didn't see him clearly or perhaps I didn't intend to fully look at him. What was odd was I said a friend's name out loud. The guy chuckled in reply and when I look up to look at him, fully intended this time, it was him. (But the name I uttered before was not who I saw.) I mean, it felt like it was him. Another thing that surprised me was a lady behind him. It was Tita Nhora. She giggled and said, "I'll leave you two to talk." She went away as I stepped outside the room. He and I walked to somewhere we could talk.
The guy before me was a man, actually. He looks old and when I had the opportunity to stare at him thoroughly, it was then I realized he does not look like R_____. The only part that says otherwise were his eyes. His eyes were something I know I'd never forget. It was how he looked at me that I felt my knees turn to jelly. He was the only one who made me feel that way.
"No. I must be mistaken. You're not R_____," I said, confusion solid in my voice. "You're not him. You don't look anything like him."
He smiled the smile I recognize. There was another presence in the room. It was a young girl. (No, she's not little. Just young, like teen-young.) Somehow another feeling swept over me. It rivaled my confusion. This girl, I thought. Could she be his..?
"You know who I am," his words interrupted my sad thoughts. "I know you do. You were right."
The confusion stayed and the feeling before when I saw the girl made me confirm that perhaps it was him. He was the only one who made jealousy crept in a small fiber of my being.
"But why are you here?" I asked though somehow I know the answer. He wants to say goodbye. It is painful and yet I want to hear him say it. It was for confirmation.
Unexpectedly, he pulled my arm and kissed me. The kiss was passionate. The kiss was like a bliss. The kiss made me forget of the girl. She simply vanished. The kiss was so familiar and it confirmed his identity. Yes, R_____.
When the kiss ended random questions filled my head.
Why do I dream of these when I know from my consciousness what is really happening?
Why must I dream of something so bittersweet that it's so hard to accept and yet in some way I crave for it if it is the only chance I get to be with him?
Why am I slowly losing sight of enthusiasm to live and welcome challenges?
And the most important one:
Why am I afraid to ask him if we could talk about these things that trouble me and ask him questions that have been going through my head?
I know the answer. It was always the answer: I am afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid that my pessimistic thoughts are right.
So this is my current situation. This all too familiar situation: The fear to hear the answers the would prove my miserable assumptions to be true, knowing that it will inflict great sadness on me-- that I would be scarred for life with it and that I might not recover at all if emotions will take over reasoning, and yet crave to confirm it to be true, for all confusion to be settled, for the result to take its effect.
Somebody save me
With your own hands break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it just stay
Stay
Come one
I have been waiting for you
Stay with me
I made this whole world shine for you
Stay
Stay...
~Save Me; Remy Zero
Labels: currents, love, melancholy, thoughts
| Thursday, March 22, 2007 |
Things I'm planning to do this summer:
* learn how to cook simple dishes
* learn how to drive
* learn how to ride a bike (maybe..)
* fatten up.. or at least gain 3 kilos
* go somewhere far.. preferably somewhere I've never been before
* visit colleges
*take advance classes (undecided)
People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love in your life. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, forgetting that you are special too.
Labels: currents, list, melancholy, thoughts
| Friday, March 02, 2007 |
Lead me on boy if you must
Take my heart and my love
Take of me all that you want
And if there's a thing that you need
I'd give you the breath that I breathe
And if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever wherever whatever
Baby
Wish I knew if I could
Be the one that you could
Love forever and a day baby, oh yeah
And if there's a thing that you need
For you and your blood I would bleed
And if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever wherever whatever
Baby
Whenever wherever whatever
Baby
And if there's a thing that you need
I’d give you the breath
And if ever you yearn for the love in me
Whenever, wherever, whatever
Whenever, wherever, whatever
~Whenever, wherever, whatever; MYMP
Labels: love, melancholy, song(s), thoughts
| Sunday, February 25, 2007 |
"Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?"
- Kat Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You
I like that quote.
| Wednesday, February 14, 2007 |
A year ago, this day was very precious to me, certainly one of my highlights. Now, it simply.. hurts. (Not to mention-- my whole body aches coz of the Foundation Day preparation.. Oh and my head hurts too.) *sigh* Things are really bad lately. Damn.
Unbreak my heart
Say you love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
Labels: event(s), love, melancholy, reminiscing the past, thoughts
| Monday, December 25, 2006 |
Christmas this year was.. like an ordinary day. So what else is new? When I was young (elementary), Christmas was the opportunity for me to get more Polly Pocket toys from Dad, and me and Mom would wake up really early just to attend mass. The other Christmas~es were.. just like any other day I could forget.
The one Christmas that I wouldn't/couldn't forget was in the year 2001. I was greatly (though subtlely) humiliated by a family member. Being the quiet Mia as I once were, well, I just sucked up the subtle insult and gulped enough to keep myself from spilling those salty water. After the event, when the guests finally left, my mother and I went up to our room and I wept bitterly.
It was the most horrible Christmas ever.
If I was really a disrespectful child as he claimed that I was, I would've lost it and cursed him as loudly as I could. What happened was like a light slap on the face-- on both cheeks. I was too surprised to think of anything else to react. Sitting here right now, I wonder how things could've been if I was truly a problem child. It's a good thing for them that I was a scared, weak, hopeless, and extremely troubled girl. Maybe I should've been a rebel. That way, his lies wouldn't be lies and it'll be like I did him a favor.
Ganito kasi yon: Lumaki ako na kasama lang ang nanay ko at aso ko. Hindi ako sanay mag-mano. Isn't that fairly understandable? Nagkataon na gusto ng tito ko na nag-mamano sa kanya kung sino mang mga bata. I am an obedient child by nature. (Especially to those whom I'm not close with..) Simula noon sinunod ko sya. Lagi na ako nag-mamano. Aba, nalaman ko na lang na tinawag akong plastic. Ano ba yon? Saan ako lulugar? Sinusunod ko naman sya! Truth be told, he's the one who disrespects me. The way he gestures his hands naku.. Kung hindi ka ba naman masasaktan/mapapahiya. And he doesn't even look at me while doing it. If he was so disgusted eh di sana di na lang nya ipagawa yun sa akin di ba? Sino na ang plastic, aver?
Anyway, Christmas Eve came. His wife's relatives visited and there was this little kid, my cousins' cousin, na laging nag-mamano. Eh di itong tito ko ay tuwa sa kanya. He gave the child money(kinda like a present in a way I guess) and declared to all that the ones he gives money to are the ones who are respectful to him o yung mga nag-mamano. (So the money was like prize.) Then, he proceeded to give cash to the other cousins of my cousins.
I'd like to point this out: Children are naive and they'd do what people tell them to do while not understanding it or questioning why. In other words: Sila ay uto-uto.
A fact: The other teens there were.. let's just say that I really am a good-natured, quiet and behaved type. (I'm honest too. No, I do not boast.) The one who studies hard and not impulsive. The typical mahinhing dalaga. And those two were the opposites of me.
Dude, you know what? I don't give a damn about the money. My concern was that: Why wasn't I mentioned when all the while I obeyed him as in nag-mamano ako kahit na nanginginig ako everytime I do it at ang bastos pa ng hand reaction nya? Sa lahat ng teens present doon, ako lang ang hindi binanggit. Ang sarili nyang dugo. Ang may full effort. I was singled out. How humiliating was that?! He intentionally humiliated me. He must've thought I would learn from "my mistake". That's his POV. Maybe I did made a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have put any effort in making someone like him appreciate me when all the while my efforts drowned in the sea of nothingness. (I assure you, that wasn't the only time my efforts went useless.) Yes, I was too stupid back then. I regret not being a rebel.
Labels: event(s), family, melancholy, pissed, reminiscing the past, thoughts
| Sunday, December 24, 2006 |
I packed my bags and slept over at Lola's in Kawit. She requested ahead of time (as in months before!) that I'll go to church with her. Lola Jessie's daughter, Tita Pauline, was there. We haven't seen each other in years. She's pretty. I like her hairstyle (it's exactly the one I want). Her daughter "Ichu" was also in town, but I didn't get to meet her. Suddenly I had flashbacks of my childhood. (It wasn't very enjoyable..)
I had a cold a few days ago and I'm on the verge of being cured. In the atmosphere and situation that I'm about to tell made me feel ill again but I endured it. I was so sleepy and a bit weary too, I guess, around 9pm and we were at St. Mary Magdalene church. We were standing coz there's no seat left. It was so unfortunate for me that around that time, flatulence attacked me. Imagine this: it's cool outside, you go in the church. It's packed with people so you'll have to stand for like 3 hours till mass, dizzy coz of sleepiness, tired coz of your heels, sweating cold bullets amongst the crowd, and the flatulence attack. All I can do was complain. From time to time, I kept telling my Grandma that I might pass out or just fall sleep. It was a hard experience, really.
I know it's kinda bad to complain considering the place where I was at and I'm sorry, but it was all I could do to lessen my dismal state. Besides, I wasn't complaining about the event, rather my current situation. Perhaps it was really wrong to wear heels at that time but who was I to know that the place was heavily crowded? Years ago when I was a child, my mother and I attend mass early morning exactly on the 25th. Which was why I had no stint of idea that we should've went to church 4 hours earlier than the said time of the mass just to save my lassitude body.
Nevertheless, I withstood the pain during the event, with the occassional sit-and-shut-eyes of which I think was a big help in momentary survival. Dramatic as I seem to write, it was really..er.. bad. Oh well. All's well that ends well, as they say, and thus I was happy. It's been years since I went to church with Lola anyway.
Labels: event(s), family, thoughts
| Friday, July 21, 2006 |
I went to SM yesterday(despite the rain) and wandered around National Bookstore. After searching for an affordable fantasy/sci-fi book interesting enough to suit my attention span (plot), I've decided to check out if they already have vol6 of The Wallflower.
The manga section that was near the first cashier wasn't there anymore. I asked the saleslady where it is and she gave me directions. I walked through shelves until I've spotted it.
There was a really tall girl standing there in front of the stock. I didn't really got a good look at her since I don't stare at strangers so I assumed she was around her 20s.
When I walked closer and my eyes scanned the manga stock, I was surprised she talked to me! When I heard her voice and accent, I came to an assumption.
She must be around my age or older and she's from America.
Here's our conversation from my blurred memory.
the girl: *suddenly talked!* So you like reading those?
me: *startled* Uh.. yeah.
[pause after like 7 seconds of thought..]
She's wearing a tank top and low-waisted stretched jeans. It simply screams "teen-USA". =D
me: It's just hard when you wanna continue reading but they don't have the next one.. or that you wanna start off with something but they don't have the first one..
the girl: Which do you read?
me: The Wallflower. I'm looking for vol6. They still don't have it.
the girl: Well, they have vol7.
me: *shook my head* Actually, I've also been looking for vol1. You see, I started with vol2.
the girl: Oh.. *pointed at Guru Guru Pon-chan manga* This one's about a dog.
me: Yeah. *chuckles*
the girl: Why don't you try reading the others? I've read a lot.
me: *thinking, well if I'm rich I'd buy them all, even the ones I don't like that much* It's just that the others are not that appealing to me.
I would've considered reading Pichi Pichi Pitch if I weren’t so *ahem*. It's about a mermaid falling for this human guy. Definitely shoujo. I just don't want to be reminded of love blossoming.
As I moved to other books, the girl's mother came. She's also tall though Filipino. They talked in English and compared the cost in dollars.
My assumption turned out to be valid.
When she finally decided on 3 manga~s I think, they finally left. Manga here is cheaper. The only manga I got to buy in Barnes And Nobles (God, I miss that place so much. It feels like heaven whenever I'm there.) was 6 volumes of Cardcaptor Sakura. (I was an avid fan back then.) Each costs $9.95 and the publisher's Tokyopop. Mind you, this was 4 years ago.
Anyway, I finally decided to get Kagetora. It'll be nice to read something ninja. The art was good. The plot's fairly shoujo. It's the characters that well.. Ok, this is my point of view from someone who just read vol1. The girl Yuki is impossible. I don't think there's anyone like her nowadays. She's too thick and.. so childlike. Aside from that, she's too clumsy she can't even stand carefully. *shakes her head* It's unreal. The strong points she has are her patience and determination (hey, she's like me!). She's completely oblivious to a lot of things in life and she's a teenager for crying out loud!
And isn't it too early for a disciplined ninja to fall for a.. girl like her?
*sigh* I guess I was expecting some dark angsty scenes somewhere. Instead, I was blinded by the light of shoujo-ness. I have nothing against shoujo.. it's just that.. I miss angst plots.. the sorrowful events.. the secrets.. the dark past.. the ones that makes you think about your life and what if you're in that condition.. and such. But wait, shoujo deals about life, right? (Because girls are more dramatic and serious than guys.) Ok, I'll expect some in the future. I'll hope.
If only I could get my hands on a set of well-translated manga of Yu Yu Hakusho, Fruits Basket, Fushigi Yuugi, Naruto, Rurouni Kenshin, and GALS!, I'll be a happy otaku. =P
Anyway! Here's the synopsis for Kagetora vol1:
The young ninja Kagetora has been given a great honor to serve a renowned family of skilled martial artists. But on arrival, he's handed a challenging assignment: teach the heir to the dynasty, the charming but clumsy Yuki, the deft moves of self-defense and combat.
Yuki's inability to master the martial arts is not what makes this job so difficult for Kagetora. No, it is Yuki herself. Someday she will head her family dojo, and for a ninja like Kagetora to fall in love with his master is a betrayal of his duty, the ultimate dishonor, and strictly forbidden. Can Kagetora help Yuki overcome her ungainly nature,,. or will her be overcome by his growing feelings?
| Monday, July 10, 2006 |
Warning: I'm in a sentimental mood right now. I'm filled with random thoughts that I need to let out. I love blogging..
I think of him whenever I wear the necklace and the ring he gave me.
(Who/What else will I think of about that anyway?)
Because of him I miss watching Trigun and chick flicks.
I could only name a few of my friends who would really sit with me and watch a movie intently. Moments like this I treasure.
Because of him I miss eating at Malen's.
The food and ambiance there is great but it's the memory of dates that holds a special place in my heart. (By the way, the new Malen's is done. It is a lot bigger than the old one, not to mention more beautiful.)
Because of him I miss "swimming" in the beach and the pool.
Junior year I was so scared to go to the middle part of the pool coz it's deep there. He grabbed me and pulled me there (papansin). When I'm in tiptoe, I got so nervous (despite the fact that I'm holding onto him so I wouldn't really drown) so he released me to go back to the sides.. XD
I remember our vacation at Las Palmas with our classmates and how he got wet because of Chamie. He went home still a bit wet and I sleep during the ride, exhausted.
I miss messing up his hair and talking about guy stuff.
He gets annoyed when his hair-gelled hair gets messed up and whenever I ask him things I'm curious about guys. He smiles though annoyed.
I miss the times he annoys me, when he tugs my hair, the way he tickles my ears, and whenever he does his pa-cute smiles.
I get happy whenever I make him smile. It feels good to know that I'm the reason his day brightens. It feels good when I'm the reason he feels safe and comfortable in his state. I miss that feeling..
Because of him I miss playing solitaire and scrabble.
I remember I made him eat a small red pepper the time he lost in solitaire (3 times in a row!). I just watched the video I took of him that time which made me reminisce that led me to be dramatic and type this entry.
I think of him whenever I see straws and puzzles.
He has this certain habit that few people notice. Actually, I'm starting to do it too. No, not as a habit.. I just want to. It makes me smile! =P
I think of him whenever I see roses and teddy bears.
I still have my bouquets, though dried, and Tine-Tine. She needs a good dry-clean right about now.
I think of him whenever I eat pizza and Pocky.
He usually orders at Green Cab and one time he made a bet with me that there's Pocky at SM Bacoor. As it turned out, there was.
I think of him whenever I hear about Chefu and Tae Kwon Do.
Chefu is the first place where we dined. It surprised me a bit coz I was curious of this resto but I didn't know it's a place for.. erm.. more for oldsters. Hehe.. And Tae Kwon Do? I'm worried about his knee.
I miss the person I used to be. He gave me hope to love again in a way that I could express my feelings freely. I guess I put too much trust and expectations in him, thinking we'll always stay together and be happy, thinking that whatever problems would occur, we'll survive through it. I expected all those from him because that's what he told me. His promises made me strong and hopeful.
"I love you," he said.
"You don't have to say it, just prove it."
For some people, it's easy to say those three immortal words. Maybe because it's true, maybe because it's sure. Even if I seldom tell him that, I keep a promise in my heart. He doesn't hear it but I make him feel it.
I don't have to say, "I love you" just to prove to that person that I do. You can see it in my eyes. You can see it by the way I act. You can feel it from all the things that I do. But if it takes those words to make you know how I really feel, then just ask and I'll say it.
I know I can't force him my ideals but it would feel nice if it's that way. Right?
It's been exactly a month when he broke the bond between us. He said he did it for me, that it's for the best and he didn't want me getting hurt in our relationship.
It's so hard to live the present when you're still clinging to the past. But there's one thing I will do. It is to hope for the future as long as I have a reason to hope for.
I hope he'll be the reason.
If you're thinking I'm scared. Yes, I am.
Something important I learned: Love is not enough after all. (I used to think so.) You also need trust, hope, determination, strong-will, perseverance, honesty, and patience in a relationship. I hope to get that in the future.
Our challenge now is time. Let's hold onto the promise of tomorrow and live for the future.
Drama, drama, drama.
Labels: love, melancholy, reminiscing the past, thoughts
| Wednesday, July 05, 2006 |
I just came home from my group mate's house. We have a project on Biology for tomorrow. It's a DNA model. I vaguely remember how it's done from Mrs. Encarnacion's class as a sophomore. If only I could contact Andrew. *shrugs* But then again, they're not close so never mind.
Ate Jonah's sister's house is just around the corner from the school. Our last class with Sir Geronimo ended around 8:00pm so you could very well imagine just how hungry we were. Ate Sheryl had some mood swings and got kinda pissed. She said she's just hungry.
Our group consists of Ate Sheryl, May, Gladys, Kuya Norman, Ate Jonah, and yours truly. (Take note, nanlibre si Kuya Norman ng tinapay!) We ate as we worked. After a few hours, Gladys started cracking up jokes so we were all laughing so hard. We laughed at her stories, her expressions, and whatever else she comments. XD
I missed this. Reminiscing the past, I used to be a leader in Chemistry in 3rd year. Whenever there's a project, I always call for group meetings on weekends. Out of like 10 members, only 4 usually present: Kit, PJ, Arlo, and me. The rest of my group mates pitch in for the money used in materials or they do the reporting. We were a few but we became close coz of that. It was always fun doing projects at Kit's house.
This is the first time that every subject for the day (tomorrow), we have homework. For History, there's a quiz. For R. English, we have handouts to answer. For Biology, it's the DNA model that I'll have to report. For Biology Lab, we need to bring leaves again- of which I don't have. Damn.
Well, we didn't actually finish the thing but Gladys said she'd do something about it. I'm getting nervous for the report tomorrow. I went online to get more info about DNA but I couldn't resist the urge to make an entry.
I wonder when I'll get to sleep.. 2:00am, 3:00am maybe? Oh well, as long as I can function in class hours. (I'll need enough caffeine and sugar- it's an excuse to drink coffee, dude.)
"Do unto others what you would not want others to do unto to you."
~Confucious
Such a wise man, gotta love his teachings. They make so much sense.
Labels: friend(s), reminiscing the past, school, thoughts
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