Monday, April 09, 2007

I bleed in reality and in my dreams

warning: the following entry is angst.


I feel as if my future disappeared into a dark void. The words he spoke to me (via text) nearly shattered my senses. My chest became heavy with a realization.

He's really leaving.

I'm actually glad he told me. We don't even talk on text anymore. There was one time.. but he was too dry to strike whatever kind of conversation with me. There were times I'd like to text him para lang mangamusta but I do not want his reply to be from boredom or forced from respect.. or that he won't reply altogether. And so I waited na siya na lang ang mag-kusang mangamusta.. and he did.. last Good Friday. I'm glad he informed me. I'm glad he took the initiative to tell me. It might be nothing more than simple for him.. but for me, it's a lot to make me manage a smile and say, "At least we talked. Friendship is important to me too, if all else fails."

He's going to a place where he'll make his dream come true. He's going to a place millions of miles from where I am. The feeling of this is as if he's going to another planet where he won't be coming back anymore.

Though it's not really approved yet, I know he'll go after it. He's determined enough.

"Nothing is more painful than waiting for something that would never happen."

If I were given the power of decision, I wouldn't let him. As any human who would want to be at least a bit happy, I wouldn't let him. But then again, maybe I would have. Partially because I am not selfish and I do not intend to be as I do not want others to be selfish of me either. Partially because this is the reality that I have no say to stop him. Partially because I know it is hopeless to stop him. Partially because I know what is right. Partially because I do not want to stop him at all. I simply want to be with him but if that can't be then..

"You know I'd do anything to make you stay."

That's how much I love you.

And also because I love you (and I have no say in the matter since I know our situation), I would insist that you go. I would insist you to follow your dreams. I would insist no matter how much this takes the breath out of me. I would support you in any way I can.

He's really leaving.. and he's taking my heart with him without knowing.



I am really in a melancholic mood and whoever is reading this might criticize me for being.. I don't know.. maybe "overly dramatic".. but if you have experienced having a broken heart or being in this situation, I'm sure you've felt this way before.. You've thought like this before.. and so you could understand and refrain from frowning.



For two days I have not enough sleep. "When dreaming with a broken heart.. waking up is the hardest part." For two days I've been crying uncontrollably. Does it sound stupid? Does it sound stupid for a person to experience this type of insanity for someone she'd known for only less than three years? I know it sounds stupid, but there's a part in my heart that I know will always long for him. Even my subconcious tells me.

It's very rare for me to have two dreams in between a hour of being awake. (It is rare for me to fall asleep from being wide awake.) I slept probably around 2:30am and woke up around before 9am (as my alarm would ring). The whole time I dreamt about him. I vaguely remember what happened but I know that he was there. He's saying goodbye. He's leaving. In the dream I settled everything. I've told him my thoughts. I expressed how I feel. I know it would have been better if it was reality. That way I won't have too much trouble going through my courage to ask him if he and I could talk. In the past, he'd avoid me and the subject. I wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable around me but then again, he said he does feel that way. I don't want to force him. I just want him to listen attentively in his own will to hear what I want to say. To give me the chance without making me feel scared, nervous and uncomfortable.

I woke up and my chest felt heavy. It was a mixture of slight happiness and too much sorrow. Happy that for minutes I am with him in my dream (I know I was dreaming) and too much sorrow for knowing that there mightwould not be another chance that we will be together again.

The second dream was odd. The first dream was somewhat disregarded from this one. I was in a room with old-fashioned furnitures. I didn't really see them being old-fashioned. I felt them being that. The wooden cabinet I was facing before I heard a knock was proof enough. It's like I was at my grandmother's house but the room stated was my room.

A knock came and I forced myself to stand up and answer it. I felt so weak even in my dream. I was expecting to see Tita Cerna with a concerned expression in her face, asking me to eat a bit or plainly checking up on me (though I'm not suicidal.. yet maybe). Instead, I saw a guy. I didn't see him clearly or perhaps I didn't intend to fully look at him. What was odd was I said a friend's name out loud. The guy chuckled in reply and when I look up to look at him, fully intended this time, it was him. (But the name I uttered before was not who I saw.) I mean, it felt like it was him. Another thing that surprised me was a lady behind him. It was Tita Nhora. She giggled and said, "I'll leave you two to talk." She went away as I stepped outside the room. He and I walked to somewhere we could talk.

The guy before me was a man, actually. He looks old and when I had the opportunity to stare at him thoroughly, it was then I realized he does not look like R_____. The only part that says otherwise were his eyes. His eyes were something I know I'd never forget. It was how he looked at me that I felt my knees turn to jelly. He was the only one who made me feel that way.

"No. I must be mistaken. You're not R_____," I said, confusion solid in my voice. "You're not him. You don't look anything like him."

He smiled the smile I recognize. There was another presence in the room. It was a young girl. (No, she's not little. Just young, like teen-young.) Somehow another feeling swept over me. It rivaled my confusion. This girl, I thought. Could she be his..?

"You know who I am," his words interrupted my sad thoughts. "I know you do. You were right."

The confusion stayed and the feeling before when I saw the girl made me confirm that perhaps it was him. He was the only one who made jealousy crept in a small fiber of my being.

"But why are you here?" I asked though somehow I know the answer. He wants to say goodbye. It is painful and yet I want to hear him say it. It was for confirmation.

Unexpectedly, he pulled my arm and kissed me. The kiss was passionate. The kiss was like a bliss. The kiss made me forget of the girl. She simply vanished. The kiss was so familiar and it confirmed his identity. Yes, R_____.

When the kiss ended random questions filled my head.

Why do I dream of these when I know from my consciousness what is really happening?
Why must I dream of something so bittersweet that it's so hard to accept and yet in some way I crave for it if it is the only chance I get to be with him?
Why am I slowly losing sight of enthusiasm to live and welcome challenges?

And the most important one:
Why am I afraid to ask him if we could talk about these things that trouble me and ask him questions that have been going through my head?

I know the answer. It was always the answer: I am afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid that my pessimistic thoughts are right.

So this is my current situation. This all too familiar situation: The fear to hear the answers the would prove my miserable assumptions to be true, knowing that it will inflict great sadness on me-- that I would be scarred for life with it and that I might not recover at all if emotions will take over reasoning, and yet crave to confirm it to be true, for all confusion to be settled, for the result to take its effect.

Yes. Maybe I am afraid to succumb to insanity in the cause of depression.

Yes I am afraid, but what have I got to lose? For all I know, maybe I am slowly getting crazy.

Up until now, my head is clouded in misery. I wonder for how long I will be like this. I wonder if this will ever stop.

One thing is for sure: I will muster up the courage to tell him these things before it's too late. I wouldn't want to regret the chance for the rest of my life. (I also have a gift for him.. I made it myself. Well, it's not finished yet but I will finish it in time. It will be like a going-away present.) I'd want his friendship if nothing else.


I was with May yesterday at Robinsons Imus, trying to distract myself from feeling and looking miserable at home. I acted like my normal chipper self. That will be the situation outside. That will be the situation when I have other things to think about and other things to do to occupy my time. And all the while knowing everything is temporary. I could not escape this sorrow. I am afraid to live my life in sorrow. I do not want to be those people who live while feeling like dying and in some way feel like they would want to welcome death anyway. I do not want to live in fear of being left again. I do not want to live rejecting every possible case of falling in love again, in the hopes that I want him to catch me and no one else.

I am scared that these I-do-not-want~s will happen.. that I will make it happen.

"Hard to accept that the person I love the most can't be with me. I don't want to give up but I have to. I want to fight but the pain weakens me. How can I be truly happy when my own happiness has left me?"

I did not know love could drive this much pain to a person. If I had known, I'd probably stay away from men.. or develop a phobia so that I wouldn't really communicate with them at all.. to avoid the risk of attachment. But how could I resist fate? I don't know.

With this present dilemma, I must say: I need help.

Somebody save me
With your own hands break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it just stay
Stay
Come one
I have been waiting for you
Stay with me
I made this whole world shine for you
Stay
Stay...

~Save Me; Remy Zero

What could ease this intense pain.. even just for a little bit?
Maybe if he'll tell me he loves me and promise me he will always love me no matter what, no matter how many years will pass, and that he'll come back eventually.. that I shouldn't doubt him.. that I should trust him.. that we'll be happy together in the future..

*chuckles dryly*

Yeah, as if.

I am probably going crazy. Maybe I should sleep again.

Labels: currents, love, melancholy, thoughts